I have a confession to make…

I will be writing absolutely nothing of any worth this week!

NOTHING!

It's neon so it's official.

Don’t expect greatness this week, dear readers.  Heck, don’t even expect mediocrity.  This week, I’m going for rock bottom!  No holds barred!  I will work my hardest to turn out absolutely nothing worth reading!

A round of Mad Libs would produce better writing.

I’m pushing myself extremely hard this week to produce a few short posts that will not be award-winning, tear-inducing, nor smile-evoking.  Any why am I working overtime to produce articles a 3-year-old could have written?  Well, I’m glad that you asked!

Why I’m Not Writing Much This Week

(A.K.A. “Excuses, Excuses, Excuses”)

1.) I’m hyped up on Zicam, Benadryl, Ibuprofen, Robitussin, Throat Coat and Chocolate

I’m sick!  Or rather, I’ve been sick since Thursday.  What started off as a nagging head cold turned into a monster which has kept my energy low and my medicine cabinet occupied.  I’ve been trying my best to rest and catch up on sleep, but life keeps chugging away…and my nose keeps running.

My typical writing time ranges anywhere from 10:00 PM-1:00 AM…not exactly a perfect time to be creative when you’re left nostril is plugged and your close friend Tylenol PM is urging you towards your pillow.

2.) I’m in a musical which opens this week!

If you’re even the tiniest familiar with theatre, you know that there are dozens of elements which go into the production of a show.  After 2 months of rehearsal, the actors, stage crew, musicians, et al enter in to what we theatre folks call “Hell Week”, a.k.a “Tech Week.”

Tech Week: (noun) the four rehearsals leading up to opening night of a show; costumes, lighting, sound, microphones and  pit musicians are all added during this week, causing anxiety, stress, nervous, breakdowns, tears, and hysterical whimpering to all involved; copious amounts of wine, beer, and/or sleep are needed during this time

So, as you can assume, my #1 Reason for not blogging a lot this week does NOT go well with my #2 Reason.  Being sick during a tech week is like having to do jury duty while you’re giving birth.  It’s ain’t pretty.

Plus, my voice has dropped nearly an octave…I sound like a drag queen after a really rough evening involving alcohol, string cheese, and a Super Soaker gun…don’t ask.  Because my part in the show requires a lot of singing, I’ve gotta rest up for opening night on Thursday.

3.) I got a substitute teaching gig!

Yep, that’s right!  I got dealt some pretty lucky cards, and I will be filling in as a music sub on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday of this week.  Which means that, on those days,  from 7:20 AM –2:35 PM, I will be purposely adding more stress to my body on a week where it would much rather stay in bed and eat bon bons.  Still, I’m not complaining! Work is work!

So there you have it! Three solid reasons why you may discover sub-par postings from me this week.  I’m not dead, I haven’t moved to Hawaii (although I’d like to), I’m not on some secret CIA mission, and I’m not in rehab (Charlie Sheen beat me to it).

I apologize in advance on a commenting front as well:  I’m purposely making myself take some time away from the computer in order to let my body get some decent sleep at night, which means that I won’t be reading many articles this week.  Trust me, to quote from one of my favorite movies, The Godfather, “it’s not personal, it’s business.”

So, there you have it.  Oh, and one more thing…

Leave the gun, take the cannoli…

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Prompter’s Roulette: Ode to a Stale Cookie

Welcome back to another Plinky Prompts Thursday! I am your host, Aunt Bethany, and I’ll be—

What?!? We’ve re-named our traditional Thursday posts?  Why didn’t anyone tell me? God, this is embarrassing…of all the stupid, inconsiderate mistakes…

Forgive me for the error, but it appears that we here at Miracle on 32nd Street will be labeling our Thursday prompt-centered posts as Prompter’s Roulette posts, a change from our usual Plinky Prompt Thursday posts.

As of late, I’ve been taking prompts from several different websites (not just Plinky), and it seemed erroneous to label my Thursday prompts as Plinky.  I’ll still be drawing from that website, but now I have the option to pick and choose between the prompts that land at my feet…kind of like Roulette.  I don’t know what I’m getting, but I’ll write on just about anything!

So, without further ado–ring Justin Bieber fans, I present to you my prompt for the week, straight from Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop:

2.) Write a love poem to a favorite food.

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Ode to a Stale Cookie

I remember life, flavor, zest

A presence of spirit, an offering of comfort

You, with your ruby red gems and your bittersweet memories,

You…you…gave up on me too soon

Life was a bowlful of cherries

(and eggs and sugar and flour and butter)

From humble beginnings, you molded yourself into a raw, doughy being,

not strong enough yet to stand

Decorating yourself with the darkest of chocolates and the richest of berries,

you separated yourself from the rest of the pack,

whittling and rounding your rough edges

into a sphere of endless possibility

You sat patiently, enduring heat and strife,

growing harder to the world as each minute passed

And, at 12 minutes old, you emerged from the fire

in a blaze of triumph and glory

You were volatile and hot, and scalded my hands

I waited for you with excitement and love

And when finally, you cooled to my sensitive touch,

you caressed my lips, and my joy became real

I was smitten with you, as you were with me

Every morning I indulged in some of your clones

But, as our courtship progressed, you grew distant and cold

And quickly our love began to fade

Your touch was so hard, your spirit was mute

Extra effort was needing to enjoy every bite

I gave you my all, I dunked you in milk,

until one day, you broke me, and chipped my front teeth

Now, I’m left with the memory of our love affair

I’ll never be whole, my heart is now changed

I’ll cry over you as you sit in the trash,

lamenting our—wait, is that cake?!?

Top Ten Reasons You Should Take a Day Off From Blogging

Top Ten Reasons You Should Take a Day-Off From Blogging

10.) When friends ask you to hit the town, you tell them that you can’t, because the hours between 12:00 AM-2:00 AM are now dedicated to finishing up that pesky post in time for an 8:00 AM posting.

Consequently, bags begin to form under your eyes, normal sleeping patterns are interrupted, hair becomes a tangled bird’s nest, and you enter into a zombie-like state once situated at your computer.  At this point, chocolate is the only life source.

9.) You personally know every “Freshly Pressed” blogger by name, age, height, Zodiac sign, and food allergy…AND you’re now following them all on Twitter.

You know, there is a fine, fine line between admiration and a restraining order…

8.)  You’ve developed a callous on your index finger from pressing the “REFRESH” button on your keyboard so much.

Dude, if there was 67 hits thirty seconds ago, chances are…there are STILL 67 hits.

“The Force is strong with this one…”

In an earlier post, I previously blogged about my affinity for Wegman’s Grocery Stores:  it is an ongoing love affair between shopper and supermarket that has spanned the test of time for nearly 8 years.  Wegman’s makes food even more exciting than it already is (how is that possible?!?), and I usually end up leaving the store with more in my cart than I intended to buy.  Cinnamon pumpkin cream cheese?? Sure! Add it to my cart!  Cranberry Spice Holiday bread?? Gladly purchased!

However, I also share a great deal of love for another Titan of the Supermarket Gods.  If Wegman’s makes food more exciting, then Wal-Mart makes buying items you didn’t even know you needed more exciting.  It is a clown car of random items that are, simultaneously, useful and cheap!  (And typically, unnecessary…I mean, c’mon…did I really need to buy a Thanksgiving Pilgrim Hat for my dog?  DON’T answer that.)

This purchase was TOTALLY justified...dog not included...

So, when I caught wind of a new Wal-Mart Super Center being built in our town, I was only too excited to make my initial pilgrimage to our shiny new Mecca.  Of course, I had my reservations:  would the new store’s status as a “Super Wal-Mart” detract from the items it offered?  Would it be mobbed with holiday shoppers?  And for God’s sake, would there still be an Ice-E machine?!?

And the Lord God said, let there be discount...

If there’s a sucker born every minute, Wal-Mart saw me coming a mile away…

How sad is it that I couldn’t even get past the main entryway without spending ten dollars?!?

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

Chocolate covered cherries…winter mint Hershey Kisses…a holiday mix of Reese’s PB Cups…and last, but certainly not least…the timeless Christmas staple…Three Variety Tin of Popcorn.

Tinned mirth for only $5.75

Like I said, Wal-Mart had my money in its pockets before I even showered this morning.  It has a dangerous pull over me…sort of like the Emperor’s control over Darth Vadar in Star Wars.

Search your feelings, you know them to be true...