Public Service Announcement: Art of the Dutch Oven

Hello everyone. My name is Uncle Lewis and welcome to my first EVER blog post. As some of you know, I am a huge supporter of Aunt Bethany. I have known her for over 8 years and fall more and more in love with her with each day.

In a point of my life that is at its darkest, Aunt Bethany’s blog has been a ray of sunshine and a source of inspiration. I look forward every day to breaking away from my life just to read her thoughts and admire a woman who can do it all. This blog is another way to glance into the wonderful mind that is Aunt Bethany. I have constantly been impressed with her style of writing and her sense of humor. Reading the comments from all of you, I know I am not the only one.

We have tossed around the idea of me doing a guest post for some time, but I am NOT a writer, nor do I pretend to be. So, at the risk of having this post being horrendous, I give you a P.S.A. on the art of the “Dutch Oven”, in hopes it will make you smile and stick around while AB takes a much needed break. Don’t go far, she will return very soon, totally recharged and ready to wow us all with her intelligence and wit. For my part, I promise not to make this a habit!

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P.S.A. #2:  The Art of the Dutch Oven

Where did the term “Dutch Oven” come from?

A Dutch oven is a cast iron cooking pot with a tight-fitting lid. The heavy lid fits so well that steam cannot escape the pot while it is cooking. All the ingredients in the pot are cooked at the same time, trapping juices and aromas together while it bakes. According to Wikipedia, the Dutch were far more advanced than the English at cooking in this style. An Englishman named Abraham Darby went to the Netherlands and took this cooking style to America where it was patented.

Through the years, the term Dutch Oven has taken on a different meaning. The definition remains:  a chamber to seal in juices and aromas in an enclosed space…but the application has evolved.

The new wrinkle often appears when two people really love each other. There comes a point in a great relationship where the happy couple becomes very comfortable with each other. Walls are broken down, couples become more relaxed, and nothing can be hidden. So many wonderful things happen at this point in the relationship… and some NOT so wonderful things happen. There is one fact that seems to evade our thought process as a relationship evolves. Remember… everyone poops!

More than that, everyone toots.

I care not who you are…at some point air must come out of your body, and there are only two exits. So, when two people get comfortable enough with one another, they share even the deepest, darkest things. They have such a desire to share everything…even their aromas. Thus, the art of the Dutch Oven was born.

Again, according to Wikipedia, a Dutch Oven (a.k.a. a “covered wagon”), is a toot chamber created by pulling a blanket over someone’s head and breaking wind, typically not to the delight to the partner.

Depending on what type of food is consumed, you can name your Dutch Oven accordingly…examples include:

• White Castle Dutch Oven
• McDonalds Dutch Oven
• Bean Dip Dutch Oven
• Beer Dutch Oven (especially bad the next morning)
• Extra Hot Chicken Wings Dutch Oven

Sometimes Dutch Ovens are done on accident…sometimes they are done on purpose. The act is not only limited to just the bedroom… and it is not always at the expense of others. It is totally possible to Dutch Oven yourself!

Examples of places you can be sealed up in your own poison are:

• Space suits
• Deep sea diving suits
• Your own car
• In the doctor’s office while you wait for the doctor
• A cube or office at work.

I have heard rumors of shopping at “Bed Bath and Beyond” and being Dutched Oven by a loved one while walking down the aisles, but this is technically NOT a Dutch Oven because of the open air.

Both parties in a relationship are open game for such displays of love. In some cultures, once you Dutch Oven a loved one, you are technically considered married.

The most important thing to remember is that it is a display of love and devotion. It is a sign the relationship has taken a step in the right direction. It shows a level of comfort between two people, a level most couples strive to attain. It should be welcomed with open arms and intense cuddling afterward.

It should not be met with disdain or comments like:

“Uncle Lewis, that is just plain nasty, you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Or

“If you do that again, you are going to be sleeping on the couch.”

Or

“How can you tell me you love me then try to kill me?!?”

Remember, it’s the smell of love in the air….

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What the #FF?!?: A Site, A Clip, and A Burger

Breathe easy, my friends…it’s Friday!  Because you’ve bravely survived the workweek, fed the kids, paid the bills, shoveled the snow, and listened to Britney Spears’ latest contribution, I’ve got a great What the #FF?!? feature for you today.

A Site

Yesterday, I dove further down the writing rabbit hole and took part in my very first writers’ workshop.  Mama Kat, over at Mama Kat’s Losin’ It, hosts a weekly forum for writers, which offers 4-5 writing prompts for her participants.  Not only is Mama Kat’s workshop an unbelievable contribution to the Blog-O-Sphere, but she runs an awesome website as well.  She’s funny, irreverent, and poignant in her posts…as she is in her photography, cartoons, videos, and letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Plus, I’m just enthralled with her website design!  It reminds me of a luscious red velvet cupcake, with extra frosting and sprinkles on top.  She’s a blogger I really admire, and I aspire to become just like her someday…if I ever grow up.  She’s got writing chops, hysterical cartoons, elegant poetry, and a welcoming spirit which inspires and provokes great writing.

For her writing challenge, I took the prompt of “10 reasons I could never be friends with______” and waxed about my distaste for my fair-weather acquaintances, snowmen.  You can read the post here!

A Clip

Ever stumble upon something that simultaneously makes you go “What the?!” and “This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all month”? Jenny Slate, of SNL fame, created a short video clip with her director-boyfriend Dean Fleischer-Camp called “Marcel the Shell with Shoes On.” I really don’t need to say any more.  Just watch the clip, and get your Depends ready.

My favorite part is the lint.

I hang glide on a Dorito.  Go ahead.  You’re already picturing that little peanut sky surfing on a potato chip.  I can only hope and pray that they make more video clips of Marcel.  To learn more about his creation and his creators, click here.

A Burger

Have you ever been so moved by something that it makes you weep with tears of pure joy?  Have you ever known true bliss?  If you have, then I’m sure you’ve tasted a burger from Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

On Wednesday, I was preparing for yet another rehearsal across town, having eaten no dinner and expecting no meal until at least 10 PM.  My stomach was angry with me, I was cranky, and combustion seemed imminent…until Uncle Lewis brought me an offering from Five Guys.

 

Uncle Lewis:  I brought you a burger and fries

Aunt Bethany:  Great, I’ll eat it after yoga…wh-why are you staring at me like that?

Uncle Lewis:  You’re going to want to eat it now…*drool drool drool*

Aunt Bethany:  Why?  It’s just a burger, right?

 

WRONG!  It is not just a burger, dear friends:  it’s heaven in a wrapper.  When I finally sunk my teeth into my bacon cheeseburger, my mouth exploded with applause, and my stomach bowed down to Uncle Lewis.  Not only that, but they give you massive amounts of french fries (a staple in my diet).  When you open your bag, fries are scattered all over the place, as they’ve placed an extra scoop on top of your entire order.

CAUTION:  These meals are not for the faint of heart.  They feature a lot of grease, a lot of calories, and a lot of ecstasy.  You have been warned.  They also offer hot dogs and milkshakes.  Find your nearest Five Guys and run, I say, RUN to it.

So, go!  Eat!  Drink!  And be merry!  But whatever you do, have a great weekend!

What the #FF?!?: I’ve got a bad case of the ninjas…

What the Fudgsicle? A “What the #FF?!?” feature on a Monday, you ask?  What gives, Aunt Bethany?  Are you off your rocker?

Well, honestly…yes!  I am a bit off my rocker…or, at least, have been for the past few days.  A string of unforeseen events forced me off the Internet the past few days, which did not allow me to publish my Friday post, nor read up on all my blog subscriptions.  I won’t bore you with all of the dull, mundane details…but I will try, in one sentence, to summarize the world-turning events which led to my Internet Isolation for the past few days:

Wednesday night, I was alerted to an opening as a long-term sub, so Thursday morning, I filled out a lengthy application, finally watched Family Guy’s “It’s a Trap!”, played for a ballet class, then spent 4 hours at a rehearsal, which left no time for writing but plenty of time to plan my Friday post, which never got written because Friday I was called in to an unplanned job interview, which required me to gather odd and random documents Friday morning, and then I hastily readied myself to look presentable, played for another ballet class, and rushed across town to an informal interview at 2:00, which was followed by me giving a private piano lesson, racing across town (the other way) to a rehearsal, and then to a choral concert that night, which really exhausted me, so I crashed Friday night, got up way too early Saturday morning to complete a physical for my job interview, and gave a voice lesson later that morning, which was THEN followed by a 4 hour rehearsal and  a planned party with former cast mates, which ALSO tired me out, so I crashed until the wee hours of Sunday morning until I had to scurry off for church choir, which kept me out until mid-morning until I had to run home to give another voice lesson, prepare for my afternoon, and run across town (yep, again) for ANOTHER day of rehearsals, which kept me on the go and away from my laptop from 12-9 today, and THAT is why I was late for school…and couldn’t post my Friday article.

So, you see?  I wish I could say that I was kidnapped by a one-armed man with a spatula for a limb, or that I was abducted by crazed Yetis with blow-torches and CDs of Miley Cyrus, but I can’t.  I personally think a Yeti abduction would be thrilling.

But even Yetis understand the importance of “What the #FF?!?” Friday posts, so they have urged me to continue with mine.  Bless their poor, wild hearts.

What’s My Line?

A good name can get you far in life.  Apple.  Elvis.  Madonna.  Nike.  But, a great tagline can get you remembered.  I am not a crook.  You like me, you really like me!  I’m lovin’ it.   Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

In the Blog-O-Sphere, you need to have a great title to attract readers to your sight.  Even with posts, you must be creative, witty, and informative when labeling each and every article.  “A Post About Doctors” is not nearly as fun and enticing as “Turn Your Head and Cough.” A great title can help or hinder a sight from rising to great heights.

When thinking up a moniker for your site, however, there is a sub-title which can be applied, as well.  This is called the tagline, and it serves to offer another label to define your blog.  The taglines I’ve seen have typically been humorous, or even straight to the point.  A blog about travel.  A site for mothers.  Straight from the horse’s mouth.  Over the river and through the woods. A few more words to leave you with to give the blog more character.  Simple and effective.

For the past 2 months, Miracle on 32nd Street has exhibited a very festive holiday theme, which was retired for the season this past Monday.  I also updated my blog picture, opting to also store away the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree logo until next November.  I’m beginning to take down the rest of the holiday remnants, which will be completed by the end of the week, but there is one item that leaves me scratching my head:  the tagline.

I Want Magic

I want something magical to happen.

Do you ever find yourself wishing that the impossible wasn’t so impossible?  Do you sit at home, late at night, fantasizing about scenarios so extraordinary that they might have been penned by J.K. Rowling?

Maybe it’s because it’s the middle of January…maybe it’s because I haven’t seen lush, green grass for a few months…or maybe it’s because it’s that time of year devoid of Christmas lights or any exciting holidays approaching.  Whatever it is, I need something magical to happen.  Something wonderful…and magnificent…and positively surprising.

I want to put my faith in something inconceivable.  I need some kind of wonderful to waltz into my dance.  I crave adventure—swashbuckling pirates, ride-able dragons, magic wands, hidden worlds—something, anything to sweep me off my feet.

I want to be awed.  I want to marvel.  I want to be so caught up in the moment that I forget to breathe.  I want to be moved.

I need a taste of summer during this long, fretful winter.  I need to know that the days will speed by and the familiar breezes of spring will flit through the cherry blossoms once again.  I need to revisit the smell of the wind off the lake, and soak up the aroma after a thunderstorm.  I need to know I’ll find that summer sun once again.

I need to know that there’s a reason for enduring the bitter cold.  I need encouragement to wait out the storm, to see where the last snowflakes fly.  If braving the ice and sleet guarantees a sweet reawakening in the spring, I will gladly bare all blizzards that pass my way…because, when blizzards finish their attack, they always, always leave behind a beautiful, shining scene.

I need to believe in something wonderful.  I want to believe in the impossible.  I trust in a power no one can define.

I hope…

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A very, very happy birthday to Uncle Lewis, who turned the tender young age of 85 yesterday!  I’d personally like to dedicate the newly renovated blog theme to him, which is entitled Spring Loaded.  Uncle Lewis, you continue to amaze me, in every way shape and form.  I want to shout it to the world!