Public Service Announcement: Art of the Dutch Oven

Hello everyone. My name is Uncle Lewis and welcome to my first EVER blog post. As some of you know, I am a huge supporter of Aunt Bethany. I have known her for over 8 years and fall more and more in love with her with each day.

In a point of my life that is at its darkest, Aunt Bethany’s blog has been a ray of sunshine and a source of inspiration. I look forward every day to breaking away from my life just to read her thoughts and admire a woman who can do it all. This blog is another way to glance into the wonderful mind that is Aunt Bethany. I have constantly been impressed with her style of writing and her sense of humor. Reading the comments from all of you, I know I am not the only one.

We have tossed around the idea of me doing a guest post for some time, but I am NOT a writer, nor do I pretend to be. So, at the risk of having this post being horrendous, I give you a P.S.A. on the art of the “Dutch Oven”, in hopes it will make you smile and stick around while AB takes a much needed break. Don’t go far, she will return very soon, totally recharged and ready to wow us all with her intelligence and wit. For my part, I promise not to make this a habit!

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P.S.A. #2:  The Art of the Dutch Oven

Where did the term “Dutch Oven” come from?

A Dutch oven is a cast iron cooking pot with a tight-fitting lid. The heavy lid fits so well that steam cannot escape the pot while it is cooking. All the ingredients in the pot are cooked at the same time, trapping juices and aromas together while it bakes. According to Wikipedia, the Dutch were far more advanced than the English at cooking in this style. An Englishman named Abraham Darby went to the Netherlands and took this cooking style to America where it was patented.

Through the years, the term Dutch Oven has taken on a different meaning. The definition remains:  a chamber to seal in juices and aromas in an enclosed space…but the application has evolved.

The new wrinkle often appears when two people really love each other. There comes a point in a great relationship where the happy couple becomes very comfortable with each other. Walls are broken down, couples become more relaxed, and nothing can be hidden. So many wonderful things happen at this point in the relationship… and some NOT so wonderful things happen. There is one fact that seems to evade our thought process as a relationship evolves. Remember… everyone poops!

More than that, everyone toots.

I care not who you are…at some point air must come out of your body, and there are only two exits. So, when two people get comfortable enough with one another, they share even the deepest, darkest things. They have such a desire to share everything…even their aromas. Thus, the art of the Dutch Oven was born.

Again, according to Wikipedia, a Dutch Oven (a.k.a. a “covered wagon”), is a toot chamber created by pulling a blanket over someone’s head and breaking wind, typically not to the delight to the partner.

Depending on what type of food is consumed, you can name your Dutch Oven accordingly…examples include:

• White Castle Dutch Oven
• McDonalds Dutch Oven
• Bean Dip Dutch Oven
• Beer Dutch Oven (especially bad the next morning)
• Extra Hot Chicken Wings Dutch Oven

Sometimes Dutch Ovens are done on accident…sometimes they are done on purpose. The act is not only limited to just the bedroom… and it is not always at the expense of others. It is totally possible to Dutch Oven yourself!

Examples of places you can be sealed up in your own poison are:

• Space suits
• Deep sea diving suits
• Your own car
• In the doctor’s office while you wait for the doctor
• A cube or office at work.

I have heard rumors of shopping at “Bed Bath and Beyond” and being Dutched Oven by a loved one while walking down the aisles, but this is technically NOT a Dutch Oven because of the open air.

Both parties in a relationship are open game for such displays of love. In some cultures, once you Dutch Oven a loved one, you are technically considered married.

The most important thing to remember is that it is a display of love and devotion. It is a sign the relationship has taken a step in the right direction. It shows a level of comfort between two people, a level most couples strive to attain. It should be welcomed with open arms and intense cuddling afterward.

It should not be met with disdain or comments like:

“Uncle Lewis, that is just plain nasty, you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Or

“If you do that again, you are going to be sleeping on the couch.”

Or

“How can you tell me you love me then try to kill me?!?”

Remember, it’s the smell of love in the air….

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Public Service Announcement: Hanger Safety

As a service to the public and to the members of the Blog-O-Sphere, Miracle on 32nd Street will now regularly partake in selected Public Service Announcements.  It is an undertaking I feel will help alert the masses to hidden dangers lurking in unforeseen locations.  I have to believe that all time spent on this endeavor is no time wasted, and it is my fervent wish that you all will support me in this.

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P.S.A. #1:  Hanger Safety

Mankind has long been the manufacturer of many products which have, inadvertently, become serious safety and health hazards.  Cars can swiftly transfer us from one destination to another, but traffic-related injuries are staggering.  Fires can keep us warm and prepare our meals, but our invented heat can scald as fast as it can boil.  Electricity illuminates our lamps, but can deliver a fatal shock in the blink of an eye.  And burritos, while satisfying and delicious, can wreak unfathomable havoc on our digestive systems.

I shouldn't have asked for that extra side of guacamole...

Photo by J-Cliff

Today’s P.S.A. highlights a lurking danger in millions of homes across America.  This danger lures many to employ it on a regular basis.  No…not Peanut M&Ms.  No…not DVDs featuring Pauley Shore.  The danger I speak of…are hangers.

Approach with caution.

Photo by Manne-King

Nay, not airplane hangars…clothing hangers.  These seemingly harmless inventions are responsible for worldwide closet organization, but are also the harbingers of angst, frustration, and severe humiliation.  Don’t believe me?  Watch below and see for yourself:

Hangars: Man-Made Death Traps

Do you notice the fear and self-loathing in her eyes?  Do you see how she can barely look at me when I ask her questions?  And do you see the sheer humiliation in her face when she relegates herself back to her own crate?  This is madness, I say.  Utter madness.

I urge you to take special precautions when dealing with clothing hangers of any variety (yes, even the kinds that look like satin pillows…they are the most deadly):

Don't be fooled by their shimmery glow.

Photo from Only Hangars

Reckless behavior around these objects can result in gouged eyeballs, wrinkled clothes, trapped animals, and stolen vehicles.  Approach all hangers with extreme caution and do not provoke them.  Behavior specialists claim that hangers act favorably towards being hung on a suspended pole in a dark, secure area, and appreciate long, billowy layers of fabric on their beings.  Great attention to these details will ensure a safe household, and a safe America.

This has been a P.S.A., brought to you by Miracle on 32nd Street, in partnership with All Things Fnkybee and The Edmonton Tourist.  Safe living, America!