I have a confession to make…

I will be writing absolutely nothing of any worth this week!

NOTHING!

It's neon so it's official.

Don’t expect greatness this week, dear readers.  Heck, don’t even expect mediocrity.  This week, I’m going for rock bottom!  No holds barred!  I will work my hardest to turn out absolutely nothing worth reading!

A round of Mad Libs would produce better writing.

I’m pushing myself extremely hard this week to produce a few short posts that will not be award-winning, tear-inducing, nor smile-evoking.  Any why am I working overtime to produce articles a 3-year-old could have written?  Well, I’m glad that you asked!

Why I’m Not Writing Much This Week

(A.K.A. “Excuses, Excuses, Excuses”)

1.) I’m hyped up on Zicam, Benadryl, Ibuprofen, Robitussin, Throat Coat and Chocolate

I’m sick!  Or rather, I’ve been sick since Thursday.  What started off as a nagging head cold turned into a monster which has kept my energy low and my medicine cabinet occupied.  I’ve been trying my best to rest and catch up on sleep, but life keeps chugging away…and my nose keeps running.

My typical writing time ranges anywhere from 10:00 PM-1:00 AM…not exactly a perfect time to be creative when you’re left nostril is plugged and your close friend Tylenol PM is urging you towards your pillow.

2.) I’m in a musical which opens this week!

If you’re even the tiniest familiar with theatre, you know that there are dozens of elements which go into the production of a show.  After 2 months of rehearsal, the actors, stage crew, musicians, et al enter in to what we theatre folks call “Hell Week”, a.k.a “Tech Week.”

Tech Week: (noun) the four rehearsals leading up to opening night of a show; costumes, lighting, sound, microphones and  pit musicians are all added during this week, causing anxiety, stress, nervous, breakdowns, tears, and hysterical whimpering to all involved; copious amounts of wine, beer, and/or sleep are needed during this time

So, as you can assume, my #1 Reason for not blogging a lot this week does NOT go well with my #2 Reason.  Being sick during a tech week is like having to do jury duty while you’re giving birth.  It’s ain’t pretty.

Plus, my voice has dropped nearly an octave…I sound like a drag queen after a really rough evening involving alcohol, string cheese, and a Super Soaker gun…don’t ask.  Because my part in the show requires a lot of singing, I’ve gotta rest up for opening night on Thursday.

3.) I got a substitute teaching gig!

Yep, that’s right!  I got dealt some pretty lucky cards, and I will be filling in as a music sub on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday of this week.  Which means that, on those days,  from 7:20 AM –2:35 PM, I will be purposely adding more stress to my body on a week where it would much rather stay in bed and eat bon bons.  Still, I’m not complaining! Work is work!

So there you have it! Three solid reasons why you may discover sub-par postings from me this week.  I’m not dead, I haven’t moved to Hawaii (although I’d like to), I’m not on some secret CIA mission, and I’m not in rehab (Charlie Sheen beat me to it).

I apologize in advance on a commenting front as well:  I’m purposely making myself take some time away from the computer in order to let my body get some decent sleep at night, which means that I won’t be reading many articles this week.  Trust me, to quote from one of my favorite movies, The Godfather, “it’s not personal, it’s business.”

So, there you have it.  Oh, and one more thing…

Leave the gun, take the cannoli…

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What the #FF?!?: Blogger’s Choice Awards

LOOK!

Admittedly, I did a little P.R. work for myself yesterday.  As I was reading one of my new favorite blogs, 20 Prospect, I stumbled across a badge of his:

Intrigued, I clicked on the link and found myself at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.I began to browse the site, and realized that the good people at the B.C.A.s host an open-voting competition to filter out the true blogging gems from the rest of the rabble.

Anyone can vote, for any blog, at any time.  You are restricted to one vote per blog, but you get an unlimited number of votes.  Like a site you see?  Send them a vote.  Like their design?  Send them a vote.  Cast as many votes as you wish!

Seeing that Oprah was not about to nominate my blog anytime soon, I did a little shameless self-promotion and entered my blog in 3 categories: Best Humor Blog, Best Pop Culture Blog , and Best Blog About Stuff. You can click on any of these categories and choose to send a little voting love my way.  And, you can also check out some other blogs in these categories as well!  It’s a great networking tool!

I’m not sure what the winners receive, but I’m sure it’s something like the Holy Grail, Tom Hanks’ toupee, and the original painting of the Mona Lisa…I think…

And while you’re at it, why don’t you vote for 20 Prospect in the Hottest Daddy Blogger category? I stumbled onto his site while reading one of my current subscriptions, and any guy who gives out Unicorns Humping Leg Lamp Awards is a-okay in my book.

I’m just discovering the in’s and out’s of his blog, but he recently published a beautifully written post on love, loss, and everything in between.  I was so moved by his writing that I absolutely had to feature him during my Friday post.  Suffice it to say, I had to break out the tissue box, AND the Swiss chocolates to recover.

So, strap on your hiking gear, dear readers!  For What the #FF?!? Friday, we’re taking a field trip over to 20 Prospect’s blog and reading his article “Bridgeport Ferry.” I hope you’ve turned in all your permission slips…last one to the bus is a moldy tub of Cool Whip!

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To learn more about the Blogger’s Choice Awards, click here.

To read 20 Prospect’s blog, click here.

What the #FF?!?: A Site, A Clip, and A Burger

Breathe easy, my friends…it’s Friday!  Because you’ve bravely survived the workweek, fed the kids, paid the bills, shoveled the snow, and listened to Britney Spears’ latest contribution, I’ve got a great What the #FF?!? feature for you today.

A Site

Yesterday, I dove further down the writing rabbit hole and took part in my very first writers’ workshop.  Mama Kat, over at Mama Kat’s Losin’ It, hosts a weekly forum for writers, which offers 4-5 writing prompts for her participants.  Not only is Mama Kat’s workshop an unbelievable contribution to the Blog-O-Sphere, but she runs an awesome website as well.  She’s funny, irreverent, and poignant in her posts…as she is in her photography, cartoons, videos, and letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Plus, I’m just enthralled with her website design!  It reminds me of a luscious red velvet cupcake, with extra frosting and sprinkles on top.  She’s a blogger I really admire, and I aspire to become just like her someday…if I ever grow up.  She’s got writing chops, hysterical cartoons, elegant poetry, and a welcoming spirit which inspires and provokes great writing.

For her writing challenge, I took the prompt of “10 reasons I could never be friends with______” and waxed about my distaste for my fair-weather acquaintances, snowmen.  You can read the post here!

A Clip

Ever stumble upon something that simultaneously makes you go “What the?!” and “This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all month”? Jenny Slate, of SNL fame, created a short video clip with her director-boyfriend Dean Fleischer-Camp called “Marcel the Shell with Shoes On.” I really don’t need to say any more.  Just watch the clip, and get your Depends ready.

My favorite part is the lint.

I hang glide on a Dorito.  Go ahead.  You’re already picturing that little peanut sky surfing on a potato chip.  I can only hope and pray that they make more video clips of Marcel.  To learn more about his creation and his creators, click here.

A Burger

Have you ever been so moved by something that it makes you weep with tears of pure joy?  Have you ever known true bliss?  If you have, then I’m sure you’ve tasted a burger from Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

On Wednesday, I was preparing for yet another rehearsal across town, having eaten no dinner and expecting no meal until at least 10 PM.  My stomach was angry with me, I was cranky, and combustion seemed imminent…until Uncle Lewis brought me an offering from Five Guys.

 

Uncle Lewis:  I brought you a burger and fries

Aunt Bethany:  Great, I’ll eat it after yoga…wh-why are you staring at me like that?

Uncle Lewis:  You’re going to want to eat it now…*drool drool drool*

Aunt Bethany:  Why?  It’s just a burger, right?

 

WRONG!  It is not just a burger, dear friends:  it’s heaven in a wrapper.  When I finally sunk my teeth into my bacon cheeseburger, my mouth exploded with applause, and my stomach bowed down to Uncle Lewis.  Not only that, but they give you massive amounts of french fries (a staple in my diet).  When you open your bag, fries are scattered all over the place, as they’ve placed an extra scoop on top of your entire order.

CAUTION:  These meals are not for the faint of heart.  They feature a lot of grease, a lot of calories, and a lot of ecstasy.  You have been warned.  They also offer hot dogs and milkshakes.  Find your nearest Five Guys and run, I say, RUN to it.

So, go!  Eat!  Drink!  And be merry!  But whatever you do, have a great weekend!

Stick Figure Movie Review: “The King’s Speech”

Welcome to the second installment of the Stick Figure Movie Review.  If you’re just tuning into our regularly scheduled programming, I will occasionally review a movie with the help of a faithful cast of stick figure actors, who are paid in cabbages and smelling salts (don’t worry, they have a great deal with their actor’s union).  Click here for the first installment of this series, which featured the big Oscar contender “Black Swan.”

Without further ado, I present to you the Stick Figure Movie Review of…

THE KING’S SPEECH

Our film tells the story of three fine and upstanding British actors, all who, at one point or another, have appeared in one of the 47 Harry Potter films to date.  Those refusing to appear in these movies will never win Oscars (I’m looking at YOU, Colin Firth…you’re lucky you appeared in Love, Actually).

Prince Albert, son of King George V, is cursed with a terrible stammering problem, which subsequently results in tremendous angst, whiny tantrums, and overly furrowed brows.  Tim Burton’s wife finds Prince Albert a speech therapist, Lionel Logue, who happens to be an actor, a pirate, AND Geoffrey Rush, all in one.

Prince Albert does not believe Logue can cure him of his speech disorder, but Logue perseveres, claiming he can fix his stammer through the use of expletives, Shakespeare, and Lady Gaga.

What the #FF?!?: I’ve got a bad case of the ninjas…

What the Fudgsicle? A “What the #FF?!?” feature on a Monday, you ask?  What gives, Aunt Bethany?  Are you off your rocker?

Well, honestly…yes!  I am a bit off my rocker…or, at least, have been for the past few days.  A string of unforeseen events forced me off the Internet the past few days, which did not allow me to publish my Friday post, nor read up on all my blog subscriptions.  I won’t bore you with all of the dull, mundane details…but I will try, in one sentence, to summarize the world-turning events which led to my Internet Isolation for the past few days:

Wednesday night, I was alerted to an opening as a long-term sub, so Thursday morning, I filled out a lengthy application, finally watched Family Guy’s “It’s a Trap!”, played for a ballet class, then spent 4 hours at a rehearsal, which left no time for writing but plenty of time to plan my Friday post, which never got written because Friday I was called in to an unplanned job interview, which required me to gather odd and random documents Friday morning, and then I hastily readied myself to look presentable, played for another ballet class, and rushed across town to an informal interview at 2:00, which was followed by me giving a private piano lesson, racing across town (the other way) to a rehearsal, and then to a choral concert that night, which really exhausted me, so I crashed Friday night, got up way too early Saturday morning to complete a physical for my job interview, and gave a voice lesson later that morning, which was THEN followed by a 4 hour rehearsal and  a planned party with former cast mates, which ALSO tired me out, so I crashed until the wee hours of Sunday morning until I had to scurry off for church choir, which kept me out until mid-morning until I had to run home to give another voice lesson, prepare for my afternoon, and run across town (yep, again) for ANOTHER day of rehearsals, which kept me on the go and away from my laptop from 12-9 today, and THAT is why I was late for school…and couldn’t post my Friday article.

So, you see?  I wish I could say that I was kidnapped by a one-armed man with a spatula for a limb, or that I was abducted by crazed Yetis with blow-torches and CDs of Miley Cyrus, but I can’t.  I personally think a Yeti abduction would be thrilling.

But even Yetis understand the importance of “What the #FF?!?” Friday posts, so they have urged me to continue with mine.  Bless their poor, wild hearts.