This is an Un-Post

Nope.  No real posts here.

Nada.

Zilch.

Zip.

Zero.

If you’re looking for a real post, try Chase’s latest conversation with his two-year-old. Or Kuhlair’s blog, which features some really awesome pics of the Trevi Fountain in Rome. Or, heck…stumble on over to Clay’s site for an interesting article about Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson (if you can survive the eye rolls and disgusted sighs that you just did….honestly…it’s a great post).

But, alas…this is not a real post…this is an un-post…the by-product of a busy weekend, filled with rehearsals, voice lessons, vomiting dogs, baked burritos, snore-inducing sermons, Wal-Mart runs, and Moulin Rouge viewings.  I had every intent to write a post today…but, life just got in the way.

So, if a blogger intends to write a post in a forest, and no one sees a post, do they still get credit, hits, and a chance to be Freshly Pressed?!?  Ehh…probably not.

I was going to write you poetry, dear readers.  I was going to wax nostalgic about past trips to Italy and NYC.  I was going to write another Stick Figure Movie Reviewabout the cotton candy rom-com Letters to Juliet. But, instead I:

1.) Drank two huge glasses of wine

2.) Cleaned up pet stains on my carpets with Oxy-Clean

3.) Did the Saturday Night Fever dance move 37 times at a rehearsal

4.) Indulged in a Baja Chalupa from Taco Bell

5.) Wrote a to-do list while in church, “listening” to a sermon

6.) Steamed my laundry while listening to the recording of Dreamgirls

7.) Ate Baby Back Ribs flavored potato chips for dinner

So, as you can see, I had a massively productive weekend, and that, my friends, is why I cannot offer you anything substantive or worthwhile today.  What I can offer you is this:

It’s funny because the cat is wearing a hat!

Or this…

I bet he never leaves the house.

Or even this golden nugget…

Kind of a convenient place for a Lost-and-Found…

But I can, and will not, be able to offer you any worthwhile post today, featuring funny images, a recap of my weekend, and light banter between author and reader…

 

Wait…

 

 

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What the #FF?!?: A Site, A Clip, and A Burger

Breathe easy, my friends…it’s Friday!  Because you’ve bravely survived the workweek, fed the kids, paid the bills, shoveled the snow, and listened to Britney Spears’ latest contribution, I’ve got a great What the #FF?!? feature for you today.

A Site

Yesterday, I dove further down the writing rabbit hole and took part in my very first writers’ workshop.  Mama Kat, over at Mama Kat’s Losin’ It, hosts a weekly forum for writers, which offers 4-5 writing prompts for her participants.  Not only is Mama Kat’s workshop an unbelievable contribution to the Blog-O-Sphere, but she runs an awesome website as well.  She’s funny, irreverent, and poignant in her posts…as she is in her photography, cartoons, videos, and letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Plus, I’m just enthralled with her website design!  It reminds me of a luscious red velvet cupcake, with extra frosting and sprinkles on top.  She’s a blogger I really admire, and I aspire to become just like her someday…if I ever grow up.  She’s got writing chops, hysterical cartoons, elegant poetry, and a welcoming spirit which inspires and provokes great writing.

For her writing challenge, I took the prompt of “10 reasons I could never be friends with______” and waxed about my distaste for my fair-weather acquaintances, snowmen.  You can read the post here!

A Clip

Ever stumble upon something that simultaneously makes you go “What the?!” and “This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all month”? Jenny Slate, of SNL fame, created a short video clip with her director-boyfriend Dean Fleischer-Camp called “Marcel the Shell with Shoes On.” I really don’t need to say any more.  Just watch the clip, and get your Depends ready.

My favorite part is the lint.

I hang glide on a Dorito.  Go ahead.  You’re already picturing that little peanut sky surfing on a potato chip.  I can only hope and pray that they make more video clips of Marcel.  To learn more about his creation and his creators, click here.

A Burger

Have you ever been so moved by something that it makes you weep with tears of pure joy?  Have you ever known true bliss?  If you have, then I’m sure you’ve tasted a burger from Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

On Wednesday, I was preparing for yet another rehearsal across town, having eaten no dinner and expecting no meal until at least 10 PM.  My stomach was angry with me, I was cranky, and combustion seemed imminent…until Uncle Lewis brought me an offering from Five Guys.

 

Uncle Lewis:  I brought you a burger and fries

Aunt Bethany:  Great, I’ll eat it after yoga…wh-why are you staring at me like that?

Uncle Lewis:  You’re going to want to eat it now…*drool drool drool*

Aunt Bethany:  Why?  It’s just a burger, right?

 

WRONG!  It is not just a burger, dear friends:  it’s heaven in a wrapper.  When I finally sunk my teeth into my bacon cheeseburger, my mouth exploded with applause, and my stomach bowed down to Uncle Lewis.  Not only that, but they give you massive amounts of french fries (a staple in my diet).  When you open your bag, fries are scattered all over the place, as they’ve placed an extra scoop on top of your entire order.

CAUTION:  These meals are not for the faint of heart.  They feature a lot of grease, a lot of calories, and a lot of ecstasy.  You have been warned.  They also offer hot dogs and milkshakes.  Find your nearest Five Guys and run, I say, RUN to it.

So, go!  Eat!  Drink!  And be merry!  But whatever you do, have a great weekend!

10 Reasons Why I Could Never Be Friends With A Snowman: Plinky Prompts Thursday

This week’s prompt comes straight from Mama Kat, who runs an awesome website over at www.mamakatslosinit.com.  Every Thursday, she hosts a Writer’s Workshop and offers weekly prompts to inspire creativity.  She then asks her readers to stop back at her site, post a link to your prompt-inspired article, and show some “comment love,” as she would call it.  It’s a wonderful contribution to the Blog-O-Sphere, and it has certainly caught on like wildfire.  You’ll be hearing more about Mama Kat later in the week in my What the #FF?!? Friday feature.

So, without further delay, I present to you the original prompt from Mama’s website…

10 Reasons Why I Could Never Be Friends With…(fill in the blank)

…AND, my answer….

---

10 Reasons Why I Could Never Be Friends with A Snowman

10.) I’m all for originality and non-conformity, but I could never be a nudist. Snowmen brazenly stand in public, with nothing but a corn cob pipe and some coal buttons to cover their naughty parts.  At least Frosty sported a hat, but his “igloo” at the “South Pole” was still in plain sight, for all to see.

Photo from Terry Hart

9.) I refuse to go through any type of plastic surgery, while snowmen deem vegetables to be superior upgrades to their own noses.  Really, if you can’t love who you are, who can you love?

Photo from Ian Baker

8.) And speaking of loving who you are, snowmen are always losing/gaining weight!  They’re never satisfied of their appearance, and are always struggling to change it.  Sure, I’m all for staying healthy through exercise and proper nutrition, but you don’t need to change your appearance to appease someone!  Come February, they all start to look a little thinner…I say they’re just trying to shape up for bikini season.

Photo from Cartoon Stock

Stick Figure Movie Review: “The King’s Speech”

Welcome to the second installment of the Stick Figure Movie Review.  If you’re just tuning into our regularly scheduled programming, I will occasionally review a movie with the help of a faithful cast of stick figure actors, who are paid in cabbages and smelling salts (don’t worry, they have a great deal with their actor’s union).  Click here for the first installment of this series, which featured the big Oscar contender “Black Swan.”

Without further ado, I present to you the Stick Figure Movie Review of…

THE KING’S SPEECH

Our film tells the story of three fine and upstanding British actors, all who, at one point or another, have appeared in one of the 47 Harry Potter films to date.  Those refusing to appear in these movies will never win Oscars (I’m looking at YOU, Colin Firth…you’re lucky you appeared in Love, Actually).

Prince Albert, son of King George V, is cursed with a terrible stammering problem, which subsequently results in tremendous angst, whiny tantrums, and overly furrowed brows.  Tim Burton’s wife finds Prince Albert a speech therapist, Lionel Logue, who happens to be an actor, a pirate, AND Geoffrey Rush, all in one.

Prince Albert does not believe Logue can cure him of his speech disorder, but Logue perseveres, claiming he can fix his stammer through the use of expletives, Shakespeare, and Lady Gaga.

Sometimes I Don’t Say I Love You

sometimes

I don’t tell you about

the fear, the hurt, the pain

I lean on silence, which falls in between the

smiling, laughing, hiding

sometimes I don’t say I miss you

you are not mine to miss

too many goodbyes and not enough hellos

are reminders of the uncertainty

sometimes I don’t say I need you

when the storm rages at night

needing is weak, and weakness is vulnerable

and vulnerability is terrifying

sometimes I don’t say anything

letting seconds, minutes, moments slip by

and I fall mute

even though inside, im shouting

and holding on with my heart

sometimes I don’t say I love you

because I fear if I say

it

ill lose you

and never be able to say it again

but, im always saying I love you

in thought, word, and deed

in the moments following

a kiss

a smile

a laugh

a tear

and every moment in between

and the missing, the needing, the wanting, the loving

are there

and everywhere

waiting

and although sometimes I don’t say I love you,

I do.

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Welcome to my first foray in poetry, dear readers!  I’ve never been one to wax poetic, as it were, but I’ve been more and more inspired lately to try my hand at writing poems.  I know basically nothing about this fine art, so any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated! Special thanks to Chase for some last minute edits!

Happy Tuesday, all!  Tune in tomorrow for another round of Stick Figure Movie Review with “The King’s Speech,” starring Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth!