Welcome to the second installment of the Stick Figure Movie Review. If you’re just tuning into our regularly scheduled programming, I will occasionally review a movie with the help of a faithful cast of stick figure actors, who are paid in cabbages and smelling salts (don’t worry, they have a great deal with their actor’s union). Click here for the first installment of this series, which featured the big Oscar contender “Black Swan.”
Without further ado, I present to you the Stick Figure Movie Review of…
THE KING’S SPEECH
Our film tells the story of three fine and upstanding British actors, all who, at one point or another, have appeared in one of the 47 Harry Potter films to date. Those refusing to appear in these movies will never win Oscars (I’m looking at YOU, Colin Firth…you’re lucky you appeared in Love, Actually).
Prince Albert, son of King George V, is cursed with a terrible stammering problem, which subsequently results in tremendous angst, whiny tantrums, and overly furrowed brows. Tim Burton’s wife finds Prince Albert a speech therapist, Lionel Logue, who happens to be an actor, a pirate, AND Geoffrey Rush, all in one.
Prince Albert does not believe Logue can cure him of his speech disorder, but Logue perseveres, claiming he can fix his stammer through the use of expletives, Shakespeare, and Lady Gaga.
Logue runs the Prince through a rigorous regime of therapy, including such treatments as The Shake Weight, The Macarena, and The P90-X Workout (note: photos of shock-therapy treatment involving a taser, Kool-Aid, and Miley Cyrus albums were too explicit to show publically).
Meanwhile, King Geor—screw it—Dumbledore dies, leaving a vacant throne and two orphaned sons. The elder, Prince David, rightly takes his place as successor and returns to the Pridelands as King Edward.
Unfortunately, King Edwards has greater schemes of champagne, extravagance, and whorish American girls, and abuses his role as high commander. Prince Albert attempts to reason with him, but the King (uh huh uh, thank’ya very much) mocks his younger brother when he begins to stammer, AND quotes Billy Madison.
While strolling through a heavy mist (fine weather for taking a stroll, mind you), Logue and Prince Albert engage in a heated conversation. Logue believes Albert has mad skillz and could certainly be king, which infuriates the Prince…and leaves Logue to wander aimlessly in the fog by his lonesome.
Astonishingly, King Edward abdicates the throne in order to wed a divorced American woman (where ‘s Jerry Springer when you need him?), and Prince Albert becomes the heir apparent. He realizes that Logue was right all along, and the two reconcile over a glass of Shiraz and some Joni Mitchell albums.
Meanwhile, Winston Churchill shows off his impressive bulldog jowls….
On the brink of World War II, Logue coaches Prince Albert (now King George VI) through a rousing speech, which rallies the people of Britain. The pair become lifelong friends, win a few dozen Oscars, and plan to make The King’s Speech 2: The Lingering Lisp.
In all seriousness…the individual performances in this movie were stellar. Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth should each win statuettes, hands-down, come Oscar night. Helena Bonham Carter makes a great contribution as Prince Albert’s wife, and Timothy Spall IS Winston Churchill…that man is a chameleon. The movie does drag in some spots, but the cast keeps you riveted. Enjoy the film!