It’s a new year, and a new blog. 2011 has so far ushered in Plinky Prompts Thursday, What the #FF?!? Friday, and now, a new feature to Miracle on 32nd Street…the Stick Figure Movie Review!
Although these posts will not be day-specific, I hope to incorporate them into my blog as regular features. I’ll be scoping out the latest and greatest movies to hit the silver screen, and fastidiously analyzing them through the use of an ensemble cast of faithful stick figures (they can be paid embarrassingly low salaries…like banana chips and YooHoo).
As a warning, I will strongly caution all readers about a big Spoiler Alert before each comic strip, as I may hit on key plot points and spoil the ending (unless we’re talking about Titanic, here…the ship will still sink regardless of how far you read).
So, without further Ado-be Acrobat Reader, I present to you…the Stick Figure Movie Review of…
Nina Padme Sayers, an aspiring ballerina, yearns to make it big in the dance world by performing the role of the Swan Queen in Swan Lake. Her over-protective mother, a former dancer, is just plain nuts..think like Mrs. Bates in Psycho.
Nina trains hard, day in and day out, to become the next prima ballerina. She admires and respects the reigning ballet queen, Beth, who happens to be aging past her prime…and who also happens to be played by Ms. Winona “I Steal Things” Ryder.
To dance the role, Nina must embody both the innocent Swan Queen, AND her doppleganger evil twin, the Black Swan. Nina believes she deserve the part of the Swan Queen, but her snooty French director doesn’t believe she can dance seductively enough.
In a fit of passion, Monsieur French Toast kisses Nina, who promptly bites his lip. This action leads him to believe that Nina is capable of seduction, and may now dance the part of the slutty swan.
However, during rehearsals, Nina does not show progress, and refuses to let go and find her inner Britney Spears. Mila Kunis walks off the set of That ‘70s Show, exudes sex, and embodies a perfect vision of the Black Swan. Tension between the two girls builds. Lust ensues.
Nina begins having strange visions of her darker, violent doppleganger, who looks like Mila Kunis…and who, for all intents and purposes, is just plain emo.
To ease the tension building between the two dancers, Mila Kunis takes out Nina for a night of drinking, dancing, and lesbian fantasies. They return to Nina’s apartment and have a make-out session to beat the band.
Nina’s Psycho-Mom believes her daughter is over-working herself, and refuses to let her out of her room to attend the big performance. Nina slams her mother’s hand in a door, breaking it, and trots off to the show.
Nina becomes more and more bird-like, growing webbed feet and quacking. During the show, Mila Kunis invades Nina’s dressing room, demanding to go onstage in her place. Nina shoves her into a mirror, shattering the glass everywhere, and fatally stabs Mila right in her big, buoyant boobs, killing her.
Nina finally embraces her naughty side, dances an amazing performance, and is lauded for her portrayal and artistic ability.
Amidst her triumph, however, she realizes that half the movie was actually taking place in her own messed up mind, and that she actually stabbed herself with a long, honking shard of glass. There goes the neighborhood…
In all seriousness, Black Swan really was a great movie. I’d highly recommend it, especially for Natalie Portman’s portrayal as Nina. Plus, Mila Kunis looks ten times better when she’s NOT a stick figure, so it would give girls an excuse to drag their boyfriends to a “ballet film.” I’m just sayin’…