Stick Figure Movie Review: “Black Swan”

It’s a new year, and a new blog.  2011 has so far ushered in Plinky Prompts Thursday, What the #FF?!? Friday, and now, a new feature to Miracle on 32nd Street…the Stick Figure Movie Review!

Although these posts will not be day-specific, I hope to incorporate them into my blog as regular features.  I’ll be scoping out the latest and greatest movies to hit the silver screen, and fastidiously analyzing them through the use of an ensemble cast of faithful stick figures (they can be paid embarrassingly low salaries…like banana chips and YooHoo).

As a warning, I will strongly caution all readers about a big Spoiler Alert before each comic strip, as I may hit on key plot points and spoil the ending (unless we’re talking about Titanic, here…the ship will still sink regardless of how far you read).

So, without further Ado-be Acrobat Reader, I present to you…the Stick Figure Movie Review of…

BLACK SWAN

Nina Padme Sayers, an aspiring ballerina, yearns to make it big in the dance world by performing the role of the Swan Queen in Swan Lake.  Her over-protective mother, a former dancer, is just plain nuts..think like Mrs. Bates in Psycho.

Black Swan 1

Nina trains hard, day in and day out, to become the next prima ballerina.  She admires and respects the reigning ballet queen, Beth, who happens to be aging past her prime…and who also happens to be played by Ms. Winona “I Steal Things” Ryder.

Black Swan 2

To dance the role, Nina must embody both the innocent Swan Queen, AND her doppleganger evil twin, the Black Swan.  Nina believes she deserve the part of the Swan Queen, but her snooty French director doesn’t believe she can dance seductively enough.

Black Swan 3

In a fit of passion, Monsieur French Toast kisses Nina, who promptly bites his lip.  This action leads him to believe that Nina is capable of seduction, and may now dance the part of the slutty swan.

Black Swan 4

However, during rehearsals, Nina does not show progress, and refuses to let go and find her inner Britney Spears.  Mila Kunis walks off the set of That ‘70s Show, exudes sex, and embodies a perfect vision of the Black Swan.  Tension between the two girls builds.  Lust ensues.

Black Swan 5

Nina begins having strange visions of her darker, violent doppleganger, who looks like Mila Kunis…and who, for all intents and purposes, is just plain emo.

Black Swan 6

To ease the tension building between the two dancers, Mila Kunis takes out Nina for a night of drinking, dancing, and lesbian fantasies.  They return to Nina’s apartment and have a make-out session to beat the band.Black Swan 7

Nina’s Psycho-Mom believes her daughter is over-working herself, and refuses to let her out of her room to attend the big performance.  Nina slams her mother’s hand in a door, breaking it, and trots off to the show.

Black Swan 8

Nina becomes more and more bird-like, growing webbed feet and quacking.  During the show, Mila Kunis invades Nina’s dressing room, demanding to go onstage in her place.  Nina shoves her into a mirror, shattering the glass everywhere, and fatally stabs Mila right in her big, buoyant boobs, killing her.  Black Swan 9

Nina finally embraces her naughty side, dances an amazing performance, and is lauded for her portrayal and artistic ability.

Black Swan 10

Amidst her triumph, however, she realizes that half the movie was actually taking place in her own messed up mind, and that she actually stabbed herself with a long, honking shard of glass.  There goes the neighborhood…

Black Swan 11


In all seriousness, Black Swan really was a great movie.  I’d highly recommend it, especially for Natalie Portman’s portrayal as Nina.  Plus, Mila Kunis looks ten times better when she’s NOT a stick figure, so it would give girls an excuse to drag their boyfriends to a “ballet film.”  I’m just sayin’…

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45 responses to this post.

  1. Lol! I am now a huge fan of the stick figure movie reviews. That was AWESOME! Made my morning. The blood looks sooo real. Ha! You crack me up.

    Reply

  2. Posted by bruceafretts on January 12, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Hilarious!

    Reply

  3. Lol my honey said it was obvious your sticks had breast implants.
    Awesome review!

    Reply

  4. Posted by Uncle Lewis on January 12, 2011 at 9:08 am

    So funny. You need to do a blog on “Who’s in your room”. You have a mansion with 5 bedrooms and each bedroom is a famous person you get to keep. Who is in your 5 bedrooms. Natalie Portman is in one of my rooms and I think Mila Kunis may have to make a visit. As for the other rooms, you will just have to write the blog for me to tell you 🙂 Let’s just say Mae Questel may be in one.

    Your presence in my life is so bright. I love your sense of humor and your ability to always lift me when I am blue. Thank you x100.

    Reply

    • You are always a wonderful muse, Uncle Lewis. In so many ways outside of blogging, too.

      I will make it a point to do a “Room” post. I, however, reserve the right to be jealous of Natalie and Mila, AND any other girl in your room.

      When you’re blue, I’m blue. When you hurt, I hurt. And we can’t have THAT now, can we? 🙂

      Reply

  5. That was hilarious! Here’s my 8 year olds son take on the cartoon where nina stabs Mila in the boob. “look the mom killed the baby and took the pacifier”. haha! He cracks me up.
    Anyway that was excellent! Great Job!

    Reply

  6. Love the stick figure review!

    Reply

  7. Delightful synopsis, required reading for all employees

    Reply

  8. Ha. Hahahaha. Ha. Nothing like some stick-figure art to make eating disorders, fatal stab wounds, and ballerinas morphing into birds seem hilarious! This made my morning!

    Reply

    • I’m so happy you like it! I’m getting enough good feedback to keep this feature going! (Although it will be less lively with no ballerinas or birds to draw).

      Reply

  9. Good ideas stick out like breast implants on Mila Kunis. You’ve definitely got something here! Love the concept; love the execution. And you really nailed the plot too. I bet you considered drawing a demon bird for a second didn’t you?

    Reply

    • You know, yes…I nearly drew the big black bird which Padme becomes. But, after trying to just draw one black feather, I gave up and went straight for her “perfect” ending. I’m no Picasso.

      Reply

  10. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Bethany, Aunt Bethany. Aunt Bethany said: Stick Figure Movie Review: “Black Swan”: http://wp.me/p1aL37-iH […]

    Reply

  11. Posted by carshissbymywindow on January 12, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Kick ass job on the stick figure movie review. It was almost like being at movie theater, minus the sticky floors and the $8.25 less in the bank. You might have a career doing story board comparisons at the end of dvds.

    Reply

    • Wow, thank you very much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I’m going to keep these going, and I just saw a new movie tonight, “The King’s Speech.” Expect Captain Barbossa’s head from “Pirates of the Caribbean” to make a cameo.

      Reply

  12. I was going to take my wife to see Black Swan, but was feeling a little reluctant. But not any more. Thanks, Stick Figure Movie Review!

    Reply

  13. Posted by Fidel Hart on January 12, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    You are hilarious! I am posting this on my fb and sharing it. I love it! Better than I imagined.

    Did you think the movie was sort of a ballet ‘Fight Club?’ They didn’t sell Mila’s character as good as they could have since they showed her on the subway. That’s where I think they gave it away that she was imagining her.

    Reply

    • Woo hoo! You rock, Fidel! I’ll be looking for that tomorrow with eagerness!

      It was TOTALLY a ballet Fight Club! Great way to put it! I’m under the impression that Mila was real, but Nina was just having hallucinations half the time.

      Reply

  14. This is pure comedic GENIUS! Seriously think you can make a living doing this. And since I don’t see a lot of movies, generally speaking, at least until they come out on DVD, I’d love to get your take on any movie in this manner.

    Genius! Seriously hilarious!

    Reply

    • If you know of someone who wants to PAY me to do this, I will jump on board faster than a ballerina on Speed.

      What other movies can I “stick figure” for you???

      Reply

  15. Awesome. I would see the previews and was like WTF? What is that movie even about? Cause it’s hard to picture swans evil unless of course they bite you. Then yes, they totally are.
    You made me wanna see a movie. And I will tell my hubs that there is girl on girl action so he will wanna take me!
    Yeahhhhhhh

    Reply

  16. This is great.

    The one-sentence summary I gave to friends who asked about the movie was: “Short bursts of excellent cinematography interposed between scenes of each of the main characters trying to shove their hand in Natalie Portman’s crotch (herself included).”

    It was a mouthful, but I’m fairly certain I’m responsible for a large part of this film’s revenue.

    Reply

    • You MAY just need to write some one-liners for my Stick Figure Movie Review…that was hilarious, and spot-on. My next flick is “The King’s Speech.” Any crotch grabs in that one???

      Reply

  17. […] you’d rather not see the film you can always check out a fabulous Stick Figure Review of Black Swan.  There’s also the hilarious Jim Carrey SNL skit from the other […]

    Reply

    • Woo hoo! My first Stick Figure Movie Review mention! Mom will be so proud….maybe I should tell her I’m going back to college for cartooning. I think then, without a doubt, she would have no hesitation in killing me. And she’d be justified. In fact, I’d help her.

      Reply

  18. Posted by John Pablo on January 14, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Bahahaha! This is brilliant.

    Reply

  19. Posted by Jason on April 12, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    This is so funny. It’s the first one I’ve read, but won’t be the last.

    Reply

  20. […] I’d like to direct you to a brilliant review by AuntBethany over on Miracle on 32nd Street here, her review is fantastic, and much funnier than any I could come up with […]

    Reply

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