All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth and a Kitchen Aid Mixer

I am not an inarticulate person.  I love words.  In fact, most of my close friends would agree that when prompted, I can wax on and on about almost anything, if I’m truly passionate about something.  Sometimes, if I’m really excited about dialoguing with someone, sentences often end with “and…”; I don’t realize I’m spewing until someone points out how an audio book on War and Peace could be performed with more brevity.

However, this morning…I was blind-sided and left speechless by an object of sheer euphoria and endless possibility….

I admit, I was completely thrown off-guard when The Mom dragged out a hulking box from under the tree this morning (and when I say dragged, I mean, dragged..like the Egyptians carrying large, massive blocks along miles and miles of desert to create an awe-inspiring pyramid…those blocks were probably smaller than this package).

The Mom looks better in a loin cloth, too.

It was gigantic, it was enormous, it was…beautiful.  What on earth could it be???  In the grand scheme of things, I had already had an amazing Christmas.  I was already owner of a brand-spanking new camera:  I could have re-wrapped it in its Best Buy packaging and opened it up again and again, in front of a captivated audience consisting of my mom and dad.  I could have even given up the traditional stocking gift of new underwear.

But nay, gentle readers.  The Mom didn’t stop at undergarments.  She, with a possessed twinkle in her eye, presented me with a gargantuan box of wonder, and stepped back to survey her presentation.  She looked kind of like a genie, appearing both delighted and maniacal at the work she had done.

No, not like THAT……….more like THIS.

The contents of the box baffled me.  I was certainly not expecting anything more for Christmas, unless The Mom had just taken poor Bailey, adorned her with a bow, and shoved her into a box.

See that Death Grip she's got on Bailey?

Nah, it couldn’t have been Bailey.  She was sitting there beside me, contentedly gnawing on excess wrapping paper and firewood.  And The Mom, although very eager to sedate my dog with Benadryl, would never subject her to a festively wrapped holding cell.  So, what was in the box?

My fingers trembled with anticipation.  My eyes frantically blinked away all traces of sleep, as I struggled to focus on the unwrapping task at hand.  I tore away layer after layer of paper, flipped over a unrecognizable cardboard box, and saw it staring up at me…

A real, live Kitchen Aid Mixer.

Since the invention of the Christmas present, there have only been five presents that were rated as the most awe-inspiring, the most breathtaking.  This one left them all behind…

For about three minutes after unwrapping said wonder, no words fell from my mouth.  I was left speechless by the stainless steel phenomena embraced by my arms (no really, I honestly hugged the damn thing).  I have never been so surprised by a Christmas present in my life.

Sure, I had asked for a Kitchen Aid mixer for the holidays…but I had filed the wish away under the category of “Not Friggin’ Possible.” It was a big purchase, and I could rationalize welcoming it as a member of my family at another point in my life.  When I had more space, when I had more money, when I had someone other than myself to bake for.  It certainly was not meant to arrive this early.

And now, almost 2 hours after its Christmas birth, it still has left me speechless.  Visions of chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins have already begun dancing through my head.  No more $15 hand-held mixer for me!  I’m hitting the big time, folks!  Start spreading the news!  Martha Stewart ain’t got nothing on me!

This was taken when I went to see her show, Nov. 2008

No matter how big or how small or how gourmet-related, I hope that you find a Christmas filled with surprises that leave you speechless.  I hope that you’re able to find appreciation for those who surround you, and love for those who shower you with such affection.  I hope you find the strength to fortify you through difficult moments, and the positivity needed to find the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope you can be filled with joy and surrounded by the warmth of family, friends, and kin.  But most of all, I hope this holiday brings you laughter to keep a smile on your face, for today, tomorrow, and throughout the new year.

Merry Christmas!

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