Hello all, and welcome to the first annual…
echo *PALOOZA PALOOZA PALOOZA PALOOZA* echo
I am Aunt Bethany, and I will be your host for our day of festivities…
Let’s get down to business! Our first post for Turkey Day will feature a topic which is on everyone’s mind.
Uncle Lewis: SEX?!?
Aunt Bethany: No, Uncle Lewis! Put your hands in the air and back away from the bourbon!
Sorry, folks….you’ll have to excuse him. He doesn’t get out much, and unfortunately, today he forgot to take his medication. He says it doesn’t mix well with the liquor, and I really don’t want to see what he acts like hyped up on bourbon and Viagra….I mean, Lipitor….
Now, back to what today’s really about (besides all those feel-good, warm your heart ideals like gratitude, thankfulness, and generosity…):
I’m sure most of you have spent the day (and most of yesterday, too) slaving away around a hot, stifling kitchen…which now, inevitably, is probably packed to the brim with random aunts, uncles, first cousins, second cousins, and wandering orphans you happened to pick up off the street. It’s going to get hectic before the tryptophan kicks in and sedates snoring Uncle Al and soothes handsy Cousin Kevin. The solution to all of your problems, dear reader, involves a treasure hunt.
Step One: The advice and treasure ye seek lies beneath an ocean of swirling red tide. This liquid sea has been fastidiously kept hidden for many, many years, but there be a portion tucked away in “Ye Olde Wine Cellar.” Go there, my liege, and select a bottle of this fine concoction of what all the land lubbers call….wine.
Step Two: ARRRRRRRRRRRR!
Step Three: Select the grog of your choice, me hearties, and steal away to a secret, safe location where ne’er a lad nor lass can lay eyes upon ye.
Step Four: Find a contraption, you scalliwags, which will aid ye in your quest to unclasp the red sea from its murky keep.
Step Five: Harken to what I say, me mateys: once your bottle of grog is opened, your treasure (and solution to all your Thanksgiving Day problems) lies at the bottom of the bottle. Drink all contents of the wine until you find what ye are seeking….or, until you pass out…either way, Governor, whatever be ailing ye will be of little consequence after imbibing the sweet nectar from your bottle of grog!
Step Six: If ye be battling a hideous hoard of the foulest swine that ever walked the earth (YOUR IN-LAWS), repeat steps 1-5 until you secure the treasure. Happy hunting! ARRRRRRRR!
Now, for all you foodies out there, I share with you my contributions to the holiday feast this year: dessert.
I began baking yesterday around 2:00 PM, and by 5:30 PM, I was tired, cranky, sweaty, achy, and in need of a massage. But, I was very pleased with what came out of my kitchen marathon:
Cookie dough…in a truffle? Why didn’t I think of this before?!? I know, I know…some of you may be wondering: how are you going to eat raw cookie dough? Well, rest assured, dear readers, there are NO eggs in this recipe…just sweetened condensed milk. The result? Utter awesomeness. It’s like Martha Stewart, Giada di Laurentis, and Julia Child got together, made a baby, and THIS baby made these truffles.
How can you combine so many flavors into one cookie? Well, you can, and I did…with a little help from the Nestle baking website. This recipe combines pumpkin, chocolate chips, walnuts, and a wonderfully luscious vanilla glaze, which combine to make a warm, soft morsel of heaven.
I will be honest: I have NOT yet tried this pie. Although, I DID in fact sneak a taste of the batter, and that made me wet myself with excitement. It takes butterscotch chips, a pinch of an orgasm, and a few pecan here and there. No…seriously. It shows “a good orgasm” right on the ingredients list. It was there. I swear. It was good for me, at least…
Well, folks…that’s it for our first installment of Thanksgiving-Palooza! Tune in later to hear more about my RACs for the week, my madcap family, my growing drinking habit, and my eventual commitment to a mental ward! Happy holidays to all!