And now, ladies and gentlemen, may I present a post based on nothing, with entirely no aim or final destination! Hold on…it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
Our first stop finds us pausing at our friendly neighborhood McDonald’s. On Sunday, I eagerly visited the fast food giant for one reason and one reason only: the McRib sandwich.
The McRib sandwich is not a traditional item on McDonald’s menu. It only makes an appearance once in a blue moon (great, now I want a beer…), so you gotta get it while the gettin’s good. However, the gettin’s wasn’t so good on Sunday.
Nay, gentle reader…this is NOT the crime scene to a Law and Order: Special Victims Unit episode. However, it’s clear that something did indeed die here. When I anxiously opened the box to waft the first fragrant odors of my barbequey prize, my eyes were met with the remains of a Civil War re-enactment that went terribly wrong. BBQ sauce oozing along the entire bottom of the container, and some of it even had tried to escape. Instead of saying “Mmmm, I can’t wait to dig in,” all I could think was “Can we get some gauze over here?!? We’ve gotta apply pressure to the wound!”
You’ll also note that the McRib patty itself was also trying to escape the steamy confines of the sandwich bum. It was almost like a strapping 6’3” young man had been forced to sleep in a child’s bunk bed, legs dangling over the side in awkward glory.
By the time I “attempted” to finish my sandwich, my hands were covered in BBQ sauce, making me feel more like I had just done an autopsy on NCIS. Apparently, McDonald’s is fully aware of the hazards their sandwich brings with it. The Big Mac does not require clean-up assistance. Nor the hulking Big & Tasty, whose burger patty takes up a whole zip code. But the McRib? It comes complete with your very own moist towelette:
(The sad thing is…I actually needed two of these…)
Our second stop of the day is not a happy one, ladies and gentlemen. If you have children in the room, you may wish to either turn off the television or shoo them away to play with Play-Doh, which will inevitably end up in their stomachs and out on an emergency room table.
Tensions were high at Macy’s Department Store today when a case of mannequin homicide was phoned in around 12:45 today.
Macy’s employees told investigators that they heard a loud commotion in the leggings/pantyhose section of their store on Monday, followed by violent shrieks and shouting. When official Mall Cops arrived on the scene (escorted by their intimidating Segues), they discovered Manny Khin, 35, awash in a pool of his own blood. His friend and colleague, Duh Mee, 30, was nearby, but struck with such trauma and shock that she could not comment (she also had no hands nor mouth to communicate with as well). Store employees are led to believe that Tore Sew, 37, engaged in an argument with Mr. Khin when both men attempted to try on the same pair of jeggings. Mr. Khin had claimed he was the first male-lower-half to lay eyes on said pair of Calvin Klein jeggings. This infuriated Mr. Sew, and he became immensely agitated. It is unknown what occurred after this initial altercation, but police found Mr. Khin unconscious when they arrived, and he was pronounced dead on the scene shortly after. Authorities are currently searching for any information on Mr. Sew and reviewing store security tapes. A viewing will be held in front of the Macy’s window displays later this week, where Mr. Khin will be on exhibition for all to see.
Our third and final stop for the day involves a craft store, a reindeer hat, public humiliation, and my RAC for the day.
To say that this has been a rough week for me would be a severe understatement. This crap-tastic week has been filled with hurdles and obstacles which have made me feel something like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back (“Thursday totally Lando Calrissian’ed my ass.”). Unfortunately, my Monday also took a dive down the crapper as well.
It doesn’t matter why I was having a bad day. The details are unnecessary…the point is, I was just having a really bad day. The kind of bad day where the only solution to make it better is to just go to bed and wake up the next morning.
I let my foul mood overwhelm me completely, and I had resigned myself to an evening of Couch-Moping (it’s an Olympic sport). Just when I thought the whole day had been a waste, my RAC rushed in to the rescue.
I had accompanied The Mom to an arts and crafts store to hunt for Christmas decorations. While she was off frolicking amidst the garlands and wreaths, I meandered about the store, wallowing in my own lethargy and general malaise. Suddenly, however, I turned the corner (both physically and mentally) and stumbled upon a display of Christmas hats. But these were no mere Christmas hats: these were felt creations fashioned in the images of reindeer. I shyly placed on on my head, looked around to see who was paying attention, and giggled.
For moment in my otherwise horrible day, I laughed. This laughter propelled me to the front of the store to find The Mom, who was unaware I had since donned a chapeau of Rudolph. When I did find her, still bedecked with said hat, I’m not sure who laughed harder. I do believe she may have wet herself standing in the aisles of that craft store.
This conversation ensued…
The Mom: Where did you find that?
Me: In the back somewhere…you like?
The Mom: You’re going to wear that throughout the store?
Me: That would be a riot….you think?
The Mom: I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU….
There it was…The Mom had created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
The Mom: It could be your RAC for the day…go walk around the store and make people laugh.
You’ll question, humble reader, if I did engage in such an act will inevitably be at the forefront of your mind at this point. To which I reply:
You bet your sweet a$$ I did!
So, there I was, aimlessly walking around the store, purposefully searching for people to catch a glimpse of my Christmas hat. Honestly, most people were so caught up in their own affairs that they never even saw Rudolph sitting a top my head. But, for the most part, I got some really, really great stares and one lady even uttered the word “Crazy.” But, you’d better believe that there was a smile on everyone’s face who did behold my beautiful reindeer headgear.
And here’s the funny part: after partaking in this act, I suddenly felt better, too. The clouds that had been over my head during the entirety of Monday miraculously lifted and allowed me to feel buoyant once more. Sure, my day wasn’t completely rescued, but the mere act of trying to make people laugh eradicated the gloom and doom I had been feeling. I think I’m on to something here…
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our ride for the day. Please wait until the security bar is complete out of your lap before departing your car, and remember to take with you all purses, handbags, and babies as you exit the ride.
Oh, and one more thing…on a side note, The Mom eventually made me show her where I had found such a beautiful holiday hat. I brought her back to a bin full of the Rudolph chapeaus, and she also found a snowman variation as well. Mind you, reader, these hats cost about $3 and are as corny as Kansas in August. But, her comment made my entire day worthwhile:
The Mom: Nah, I like the Rudolph ones better…they’re way more sophisticated…
That’s my Mom.
RAC #24: Pranced around a crafts store wearing a ridiculous Rudolph hat on my head
Results: Made several people smile and one woman utter “Crazy” under her breath; brought me out of my bad mood