Every now and then, I ramble over to the entertaining website, Stumble Upon. It’s a place to play Internet roulette with the world wide web: pick a topic, press “Stumble”, and poof! You’re presented with a random website that fits your content. I occasionally give the pages under the “Humor” category a look-see, and tonight I found a page that I just had to share.
You know all those safety pictures which display the proper courses of action if you’re ever in a hazardous situation? Pretty damn funny and completely inaccurate, right? For example:
Well, someone took these types of warnings off of a US government website (http://ww.ready.gov) and applied their own hysterical captions. The site was meant to parody the pictures displayed, and was not intended to criticize or defame. So, without further ado, I present some very serious advice from http://www.safenow.org/…
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.
People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.
Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
No pyromaniacs admitted.
A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.
That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don’t go there.
The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.
If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.
If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.
If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.
After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.
Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.
“Wash your hands” of traditional long distance telephone providers.
Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the ‘underground’ rave in the shelter.
In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.
In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.
There is a reason you failed chemistry.
Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.
If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
– individual dose
– family value size
– neighborhood spray pump size
– supersize!
Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.
When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.
Posted by educlaytion on December 14, 2010 at 5:46 pm
So funny! I love the time tunnel vortex one. And the karate chop one. And the …
Posted by auntbethany on December 14, 2010 at 6:14 pm
Sometimes, you just HAVE to re-post something. This was too funny to not mention. Thanks for the shout-out on Twitter!
Posted by bobcb518 on December 14, 2010 at 6:46 pm
My favorite is the ‘pull over and watch the light show’ one. Probably because, in that given situation, that is probably what I would do.
Posted by auntbethany on December 15, 2010 at 3:55 am
I have a feeling those are the same people that would pull over to watch a tornado pass by and film it.
Posted by The Edmonton Tourist on December 15, 2010 at 3:15 am
HAHAHAHA!!
I want that flashlight for Christmas. I am constantly needing to remove walls off of me or do shadow puppet shows while I wait for dishy firefighters to rescue me.
Posted by auntbethany on December 15, 2010 at 4:00 am
I wait for a.) Hugh Jackman, b.) Jude Law, or c.) Liev Schreiber to come rescue me constantly, but they’re always late or missing! What gives?!?
Posted by Chase McFadden on December 15, 2010 at 4:13 am
Like the radio one. Except for the rip at Yanni. As far as yodelers go, that dude is legit. Please substitute Dolly Parton.
Posted by auntbethany on December 16, 2010 at 2:47 am
I will WILLINGLY substitute Dolly Parton any day! Just the other morning, I was commenting on how I couldn’t believe she made it big in show biz (well, her breasts certainly made it “big”…).
Posted by Tori Nelson on December 15, 2010 at 4:03 pm
hahaha. Love the “Do NOT run when on fire” one! Thanks for the laugh!
Posted by auntbethany on December 16, 2010 at 2:51 am
You’re very welcome! I HAD to share this. The authors of this re-post did an amazing job!
Posted by fnkybee on December 16, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Too funny! Thanks for sharing!
Posted by auntbethany on December 16, 2010 at 1:48 pm
I snorted a bit when I read this online…have to pass on things that make me spit out my chocolate milk!