Easy as Apple Pie

I’m easy….

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I'll see you in the bedroom as soon as I can stand up.

No, no Uncle Lewis!  Put your pants back on!  I’m not THAT kind of easy.

Now, where was I?  Oh yes…I’m easy, meaning “easy to please,” especially when it comes to food.  Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready pizza, Quizno’s subs, McDonald’s milk shakes…I find gourmet pleasure in the simplest places.

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The luck of the Irish starts with the Shamrock Shake.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t have refined cuisine tastes, either.  I adore a smattering of sushi, a fine glass of Riesling, and a raspberry hazelnut cheesecake with Chambord for dessert.  I’ve had the good fortune to dine at Bobby Flay’s restaurant, savor thin crust flatbread from Italy, and cherish a well made risotto.  But, I’m easily satiated when it’s just me, myself and I at home.

I realized today, however, that my diet staples may evoke confusion amidst even the least finicky.  I didn’t ponder the oddities that fill my kitchen weekly until I had a friend over for lunch today, and attempted to offer him a favorite delicacy of mine.  Allow me to elaborate!

Item #1:  Freezer Pizza Because I a.) live alone, and b.) have a deep affinity for all things pizza, I wind up with an ample amount of leftovers.  Living in NYC for 2 years and being a college student for 8 has taught me one thing:  waste not, want not.  It became habitual for me to take leftovers, place them into Ziplock containers, and file them away in the confines of my freezer, ne’er to be seen for weeks, months, and sometimes years.  I guess you could say that I have the Mary Poppins Freezer:  I can stick my hand inside of it and literally pull out any dish from any cuisine…it’s a bottomless fridge of wonder.

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I don't need a spoonful of sugar...just give me a bottle of wine.

Now, some of you may be thinking “Well, that’s a thrifty thing to do!  What a way to save money and time!”  I couldn’t agree more with your wise and prudent judgment!  But, I also haven’t told you that most of my freezer pizza remains in my freezer for weeks…months, even.  It burrows into a new home amongst the bottom shelf, finding new friends like frozen peas, empanadas and meatballs.  And there it stays until I deem it worth to unwrap, defrost and eat.

And, you know, there is a science to preserving the perfect pizza slice.  Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Readys freeze immensely well, and once excited a bit by electrons, neutrons and protons in the microwave, they appear as good as new!  Other brands to consider are Domino’s, Papa John’s, and NYC street pizza.

I love pizza, at any time, with any topping, and with any freezer life.  I don’t care if my pizza’s steaming hot in the box, or hibernating in the fridge:  if it can be nuked, it’s fair game.  I have been known to save pizza slices for months in my freezer until freeing them from their frosty tin foil cages.  So, to me, these triangular pieces of heaven taste just as good after being preserved (safely, mind you) and warmed up via microwave.

However, I know it must have seemed odd when my friend arrived for lunch today:

Me Best Bloke: What are we eating?

Me: I have pizza that’s been frozen for 4 weeks thawing out!  It’ll be ready in no time!

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Pizza? VERY NICE!

Yep.  I know.  It really doesn’t sound that appetizing, but it’s a favorite food staple of mine.

Item #2:  Cookies for Breakfast It is just a plain given:  during the months of November and December, I will undoubtedly stuff my face with 2 or more cookies before 10 AM.

I love to bake, but do not have the stomach capacity to eradicate 5 dozen cookies at a time.  Therefore, I will always have at least 15 cookies on a plate in my kitchen at any given time…except tonight…whereupon I polished off a plate of Chocolate Dream Cookies before 11 AM this morning…

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I get a lot of weird stares from my “healthy” friends…people who believe in eating yogurt, cereal, or even oatmeal for breakfast.  Heck, they even eat English muffins or…toast.  Not I.  I’d much rather pop an Oreo than an omelette.

Item #3:  Potato Chips for Dinner:  Okay, even I know this one is weird.  But, two nights this week, I indulged in these svelte crispy taters for a meal.  And with flavors like Garden Tomato & Basil, can you really blame me?

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Sometimes, after a long and tiring day, I just need something to crunch on to get rid of my frustrations.  Some days,  I’m not even hungry for a complete dinner.  And some days, I just want to be able to justify having 3 enormous servings of potato chips and not feel bad because it’s dinner, not me drowning my feelings in a Lay’s plastic bag.

And, to be honest, I don’t always eat potato chips for dinner…I know I need a better source of sustenance.  So, sometimes I live dangerously and munch on pretzels or Triscuits…at least I’m getting my fiber for the day…

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The Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil flavor is breathtaking.

I could go on for hours about the weird food habits I entertain, but this post is already making me hungry.  Suffice it to say that I blame all my odd gourmet tendencies on The Mom, who believes that a bowl of broccoli can suffice as dinner….or, Peeps. I’m serious.  She downs these by the package.

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No Peep is safe.

So, I probably don’t even need to tell you, but I ended up serving my lunch mate re-heated freezer pizza for our meal today.  Apart from great company and extra freezer space, this meal also provided two great realizations for me today:

1.) If you slightly re-heat pizza in the microwave first, then in a skillet on the stove, it gives the crust a light crispness to it.  I can’t believe I am finding techniques on how to re-heat pizza.  I’m moving up in the world!

2.) My lunch mate gave me a wonderful idea for an RAC today, which was to secretly brush snow off of strangers’ cars.

At 5:30 PM, I was on my way to another performance for the Christmas show I’m currently in.  By 6:00 PM, I had arrived at my destination, with RAC firmly in mind.  However, it turns out…that it’s extremely hard to brush off strangers’ cars that are snow-laden when there hasn’t been a flake of snow in the air all day.

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Missing something there, Frosty?

Thankfully, as I hopped merrily out of my car (yes, there is a way of hopping merrily…try it), I was fortunate to find two cars with an ample amount of snow covering their windshields and rear windows.  I put myself to the task.

Looking around nervously, I felt a little strange as I began my RAC.  I mean, what if a car alarm went off?  What if I was brushing off a car with a very anal retentive owner?  What if they don’t want their car touched?  Would they sue me for every penny I have left to my name because I inappropriately “touched” their car?  Would I be taken to court for “vehicular harassment”?!?

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Despite my misgivings, I sallied forth and completed my quest for snow eradication.  Two cars, completely clean of snow, and only 10 minutes spent of my time.  My RAC left me feeling great, with a skip in my step, and plenty of time to eat a pre-show dinner of Twizzlers, Thin Mints, and Cheez-Its.  It was no meal by Iron Chef Bobby Flay, but then again, hey…I’m easy.

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And I'm READY!

DOWN, Uncle Lewis…DOWN!!!

RAC #42: Secretly brushed off snow from two strangers’ cars

Result:  Unknown; most physical exertion I had made all day (and I wish I was joking)

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11 responses to this post.

  1. I doth protest!! You yanks have the best chip and cracker flavors! We have boring bbq and salt & vinegar. Even France had Lays cheese burger! No fair. I need to kick uncle Lewis to the curb and introduce you to my Gentic Offspring. A steady diet of pizza and cookies, you two are a match made in heaven, true story.

    Reply

    • Posted by Uncle Lewis on December 11, 2010 at 6:44 pm

      Whoa… whoa… there is no curb to kick Uncle Lewis. I meet all of Aunt Bethany’s needs… including.zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

      Reply

      • Posted by Uncle Lewis on December 11, 2010 at 9:29 pm

        Where am I? Ah yes, I love Aunt Bethany and will never give her up without a fight. I may seem old and not able to put up a fight, but my Aunt Bethany is worth a mighty battle. You, her dear readers, only get a smidge of just how wonderful she is. Trust me, not only does she have an incredible sense of humor, she is beautiful inside and out. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

      • Uncle Lewis, you old codger, you. You sure can make this old biddies heart swoon. I would very much like to see this “battle” for my heart take place, considering that your weapon of choice is a walker and your own gas. Still, those are weapons to be reckoned with. I am so happy you found your high-powered glasses to read this post and comment on it. I’m even more impressed you stayed awake long enough to type all of that!

    • I saw a Lay’s Cheeseburger the other day (or was it Doritos?!?). We even go so far as to have flavors like Ketchup and Pickle (although not together).

      How old would this Genetic Offspring be? Are we talking dates to Chuck-E-Cheese, the high school prom, or dinner/movie/steak dinner?

      Reply

  2. Ah, the healthy lifestyle is to be emulated. I read Men’s Health and then dump peanut butter on potato chips and crackers. I like to be healthy but I like to eat snacky. So funny.
    And yes, with flavors like that the potato chip companies are begging you to eat out of their bag for dinner. I wonder if your Home Alone obsession is somehow related to your pizza lust.

    Reply

    • “My very own cheese pizza…just for me!”

      I think on all potato chip bags, the serving size should be re-labeled as “one massive fist of taters.” ‘Cause that’s what I usually end up taking…I just like to think that it’s the equivalent of one serving :)

      Reply

  3. I do cookies for breakfast, too. Cookies are my coffee. I’ve also been known to do pizza for breakfast. I love cold pizza!

    Reply

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